If Only Life Had Meaning

It's probably what most people want in life, for their lives to have some sort of meaning, that value of importance which is rare to see in some people. Unless your rich - because then people will care, whether its just to use that person or because they are important to a company. Obviously there are a lot of TV shows (namely American) where rich people are portrayed to have a huge amount of problems (per episode) and those problems can get overlooked with money. In the real life, it doesn't seem so realistic. Obviously these shows aren't real, that's what makes them so interesting to watch!

Movies that have the words 'based on a true story' at the beginning tend to be of a horror genre but they lack the excitement a fictional movie possess and most of the time they leave the story unfinished which usually leaves me with crushed dreams that this story will never live to see daylight again because nobody knows how the story ends up. That is really sad.

Most of the time I seriously question my existence, and what my purpose would be after my existence on planet earth, because I'll tell you what it feels like its going to be like for me... nothing. Another life is lost big deal. And I don't want that sort of life for myself, I want my life to have some meaning, some existence to people, and that can't be accomplished if I sit around for 4 hours catching up on new shows like Suits (great show, even if I don't know all the fancy lawyer terms) to fill up this empty hole in my social life.

I'm not saying I sit around and wait for things to be handed to me on a silver platter, because well, lets be honest, I am not rich enough to get that sort of privilege just yet (yet!). I apply for positions in hope of filling that hole in my life and all I can do is wait, because life is not like the dramas, you can't win a job by being sassy or having financial help, its about doing it the correct way and going through the longwinded process of going to university £9000 a year only to not be taught anything new but developing what you already know (nonsense).

Then again I'm not rich so I don't know how that class works, but I am excited to find out that's for sure.

Giving back and Merry new year!

I'd hate to be all cliché but I know how much my non-existent audience enjoy them. New year calls for new beginnings. Although I still, in small ways struggle with my confidence, I do not let that affect my life in a huge way. Speaking up is definitely a huge issue for me, but I am getting there promise!
One of the things I will do this year is give back (as well as tax which is not an option!). I have a back story behind this though. *Clears Throat*
I was in a supermarket and the queue was taking ages so the guy in front of me could not be bothered to wait and left the store, he dropped a £5 note and my voice being very low, he could not hear me as I called out for him several times. I was a bit confused with this unfamiliar £5 note in my hand, so I asked my cousin who said that I should not keep it (which was obvious, duh!) and give it to some charity instead. I thought that was a brilliant idea and spent the rest of the day looking for some charity around town, couldn't find any. Instead I kept the £5 as change and decided to give £5 to a charity online, through my account. This way this donation had some meaning to me.
                      
I remember my mum and I were watching television and the Breast Cancer Research ad came on the television, the work they do and their popularity is incredible. My mum thinks they will find a cure for it one day but wishes there was more research towards epilepsy, seeing the way it affects my dad. That thought stuck in my head ever since. My mum does so much for my dad because of his condition(s) and so this was the least I could do for her.

       
So that is my reason to donating to that charity. And just so you guys don't think I'm fobbing you off, I'll prove it. Yeah that yellow marking was me, I did not know if it was something to hide so I did it anyway! And I did buy something for myself from the shop for some unknown reason. I cut off the bottom part of the page for security reasons of course.

It is a good feeling and I think I will do this every month, I earn enough to give some back to charity, it may not seem a lot but you don't see many students do this! Now, I don't intend to tell anyone about this because I don't seek that sort of attention, instead I tell a bunch of strangers on the net in hope of inspiring them to give a little back (do leave a comment if you do!), for those people who know others who are affected or such.
    
 Now, I can seriously go on with this every month for my dad alone, he has quite a few problems, but then again that's normal coming from an Asian background. I do love the saying 'Every little helps', because I hope my donation does make a difference, even if it helps them reach a million smackaroonies.
Yeah, this feels like a good year, guys.
Stay awesome.

Thankfulness and no friends

I was reading my diary the other day and was just utterly.. shocked!
Yeah I know, 'har har she writes in a diary, saddo'.
Hm well actually it was a gift so I thought to put it to good use and this was BACK in the days, yeah more like 2007. 5 years ago. So a 14 year old me.
Let me tell you now. I have come a LOOOONG WAY.
I went through some tough times, a broken nail, lost my shoe- hah just kidding I was actually just an awkward tomboy surrounded by who were at that time my friends. Just a little story ill throw in for ya:
There I was an awkward girl by herself on her first day of secondary school, looking for Asian kids who could potentially be my friend (I had Asian friends through out primary school so wanted the same thing in secondary school; which fyi did not happy hu hu).
A spunky blonde comes right up to me and asks if I wanted to be her friend, of course this was a new situation to me so I was like by golly yes.

By saying yes I made a bunch of friends and soon forgot my old ones.

Funny thing was no matter how hard I try to stick to those friends they all just disappear, no matter how hard I try to maintain friendships, for example I always asks if they want to hang out, but they have celebrity like lives and are constantly busy. Screw you guys, you are NOT my definition of a friend.
(sorry, that was my little out burst at those so called 'mates'.

I really don't know how to pick friends, seriously. All these relationships die out.
My end of school leavers book contains messages from these 'friends' saying to stay in touch and how much fun we had is all bullshit. (Pardon mademoiselle)
Okay I don't care as much now about them but to the ones that I have recently grown apart from because you are in a different country, WHAT, THEY HAVE NO INTERNET OR PHONES IN PORTUGAL?

Ah crap off topic. Ahem. My bad.

So yeah I was the REAL definition of a teenager back then according to my 2007 diary fresh from the fresh lands. I hated my life, dumb boys, blah blah blah crap crap crap.

Reading the diary made me feel like crap honestly. However it showed me how thankful I am for my life.
For where I am now (with a sane mind), the people around me, my family for being with me and especially my parents. I'm going all thanksgiving on you even though I don't celebrate it but I think I'm right to think it's all about being thankful.

Well that was all I really wanted to say, I know I don't blog very often but I can't say that I will from now on (blog often that is) because I have said so in the past and,, well it hasn't happened. False hope people. Don't buy into it.

Nature person at heart.

I'm pretty sure I was meant for the countryside life, now I don't mean farming or cowboy stuff but more on the lines of living by a beach or in the middle of nowhere just to feel free.
I always look outside my window and take in the air that surrounds me, even looking at the city lights from the distance. But the lights that I really want to see but cannot are the real lights in the sky (by that I mean stars).
From my last post y'all know I am intrigued by the moon and stars. All I get to see are the 3 stars that appear in a straight line, a really bright star and just random smaller ones, however if I look REAL hard on a good clear day in England, very vaguely I can see much more stars. Or I am just hallucinating. Wanting to see what I never will in England. Reason why this country sucks, beyond other reasons.
Another thing which I have mentioned before is that I really want to travel - to see the natural beauty that god (or for all you nerds the Big Bang theory) has created.
I know there are people who really don't care about any of this (my whole family) which makes me feel even more... alone? I don't know if that would be the right word but I shall stick with it as it would come close.
I'm pretty sure I'm just stuck with these lame dreams which I do pray will come true but I feel it won't, my future shows me nothing yet that I am certain of, which annoys and scares me.

I heart moon!

I am a very big fan of astronomy, if I wasn't going into the medical profession, I would most definitely have gone for astronomy.
It's something about the whole thing I find really interesting.
When I look up to the sky, hoping to at least in the worst country in the world to see anything amazing look at the moon and I can stare at it for ages and feel fascinated and happy with myself.
Fantastic pictures that surface on the Internet and look so incredibly beautiful that we live in a world where there is always something to see when you look outside your window. Sometimes I wish I had a super duper high definition camera to be able to take awesome photos and put them on my blog so I can show you what I see!! However all I have is a I believe 2mp camera and all you would see is a white dot and black background like this.
.

Does not look as great huh?

I have researched about astronomy courses and well Maths is a requirement so that was a big downer.

No biggie, I'll just continue to look at the sky like a moron while my sisters and neighbors wonder what a freak I am for making weird noises. Har de Har. Peace and love home brothers.

Can someone take me to hawaii please, I heard the sky is amazing there

Just a dream

Everyday people come in and out of that hospital, the amount of impact the doctors and nurses have on their patient is simple indescribable. This is one of the reasons why every single day of my life up to now I've strived off desperation of yearning to succeed this unfulfilled dream.
Hoping to take care and show my passion to my mother and father, hoping they would be with me every step of the way.
It always takes an 'accident' before you really, and I mean really look at the big picture, bringing up "what ifs" and "buts". It's funny how the only thing you can hear are ambulance sirens.
Wishing you can change the past so there will be a brighter income, hoping you will get super powers so you can take away all the horrible things away and throw them in the bin, or even worse give them to yourself so they don't have to feel the pain anymore but rather you do and suffer in silence, because you care enough to do that, end of.
Praying and praying and that's all that we can do keeping our faith into the only people who can fix what happens to be wrong with them, doctors.
I want to be them because instead of waiting in cues and driving around looking for a parking space at the busiest road in town and not being able to go with them for moral support, I can magically cure them. That's my dream.
But I have a feeling that this dream will and forever will be just a dream at the back of my head, although I was looking forward to learning ways to look after people in my care universities don't see that.

Say it, don't spray it.

There can be so many bad habits out there of course we have all seen some at one point.
However, the worst habit that are done by both genders but are seen more in hardcore men, spitting.
It is just a gross thing and they spit at such distance. Fact, it's done more by smokers, not all though.
I have this vague memory when I was in primary school and we were on a school trip to an awesome place in Wales, and so a girl sat on the other side of me must of been car sick or something - that's what I initially thought. She carried a plastic bag in which you would normally put your sandwiches in and... She just kept spitting in the bag!! How gross, a bag full of spit.
I didn't why she was spitting in the bag and not swallowing her own saliva but I couldn't really ask that since her mum was always coming with her on these trips.
It just made my perception of spitting to a very down low to the ground score.
I don't think saliva should of been invented, but then again we need it to break down our foods in our mouth, yeah I learned that in science.
Someone should invent a.. Spitting bag. Actually no! A stick should be given to the authority so whoever they see spit gets hit with a stick. Oh how lame of me. But I think that it's against the law to spit in some places. Imagine it, we walk around our neighborhood but really we are walking in a pool full of dried up spit.

Yes, I'm weird like that.

When you are fortunate to be given things, do you beg for more or hold back?
It is one or the other in any case, right?
Well in this case I hold back. I am very fortunate to get things that I may ask for when I favor it. But why do my parents still feel the need to hand me more things?
There are 3 children in the household and I have the most gadgets. Now, I don't want to sound like I am bragging because I'm not the type to show off my possessional belongings because well... I'm not five years old but I just want to say how lucky I am to have the parents I do, even if we are not the type of family to show our love for one another, it's just there.
The reason I bring it up is because my birthday is approaching (4th march) and my parents as always ask what I want and I found that question confusing. It was only a few months back that I received a car and for them to want to splurge on an iPhone 4s on me is madness.
Now, we aren't a poor family but nor are we insanely rich, more average than anything else.
So I am in that situation of wanting it but.. Not wanting them to waste money on something I don't necessarily need.I mean I have a phone why bother on getting a new one. Right?
Question: what would you/ do you do?

I be a London-er.

After all these years of being grown up in England never have I ACTUALLY experienced the London life, up until this day. I have stepped foot in London before but I don't think going to Southall in London would count since my mother is the one who demands these trips on a yearly basis and buys Asian clothes for my older sister. Me? I have no use there whatsoever.

Now, going to London was really for business not actually pleasure but since I arrived a day early I decided to do some sight seeing.

I was given an Oyster card (a card for transportation?) and BOY! Those things are amazing, how can any other city function better without them? Living in my home town is a nightmare with transportation but over in London? BEEP your in (obviously you need to top-up in advance). I took the underground tube station for the first time which was exciting for me.. besides the fact that some chinese guy (I love da chinese people) was staring at me, making the first tube ride a little comfortable since I had no idea where I could look.

So I made it after 2 rides and arrived at the tower of London, it was great but holy cow, the drinks there were expensive, almost £2 for a small bottle of drink. But I was thirsty. :(

Yes so, the bridge was blue, pretty blue.

The sad thing was, I went alone, I had no-one to go with, making the whole journey so dry and boring.

Like I mentioned, the trip was purely business, and the people I was living with were working so I went to the capital city, ALONE. 

After, I made to to the whole Big Ben, Oxford Street, Picadilly shin dig.

And finally, I WENT TO GO VISIT THE QUEEN. (You should of seen the grin on my face)

Actually like any normal citizen, her house. It was pretty. Big.

After the whole sight seeing like any other tourist, I went back home.

But got lost.

From all the travelling, it made my passion for travelling abroad even stronger.

I'll just remember to take someone with me, next time.

Want to go together? Hop along.

Racist..!

This is quite a touchy subject for me but yup, racism is the subject on this post. Shopping around town you know nothing new really, I saw something I liked and there were two girls next to me doing there own thing, not to interupt whatever they were doing I reached over to look at something but then put it back as it didn't look that nice after, I walked away and I heard one of the girls say something rude that pretty much describes me in my colour of skin. It wasn't any racist words but something that implied to be rude. Some of you may be thinking, big deal move on from it. But you see, I'm the type of person who can't just get over it the next second, I overanalyze the situation making it hard on myself. (I'm lame like that)
So, these types of people fall under that one category and living in England you tend to see a lot of them. They confirm the stereotype they have been known for and I honestly don't like these type of people because you know they will ALWAYS have something to say about your race when you walk past them on the streets.
Now I'm not sure that these people are of the same colour, and I'm not going to blame the whole country because of those people. I'm not saying I'm perfect either but it's just not right on anyone to hear hurtful things about you, I hate any type of bullying and those stereotypes only make it worse for themselves, gah why can't they be extinct.